~Transcendental Lemons~

Current Mood: amused

So..yeah. Life's been interesting as usual. Though I have to admit some things are a bit better than others.

School..wow...I can't believe that I am going to start school again on September 1st or thereabouts. The joys of "Foundations of Education" and "World Literature". I am going to be stuck in classes with oodles and oodles of Freshman. Just what I need...I wonder how many of them will be kids that I have taught at Mercyhurst...wouldn't that just be creepy *laughs*.

O_O Someone actually reads this damned thing...go figure..and here I thought I was just writing for the benifit of getting this off my mind. Oh well..not that I mind, actually its nice to have people comment on this stuff once in a while.

Grandfather is still unwell and getting more unhappy from time to time, wishing to go home and yelling about it. He doesn't remember our visits and that is getting a bit hard on both me and mum. Though we have to remember that he is going to be 88 come October, so he is old and infirm..but still...his short term memory is rivaling frogs at this point. (A frog forgetting things as soon as s/he blinks.)

Mums..well...tired. Really really tired. I've been doing relativly well from time to time. I had a small tiff with my bunneh and a large fight with wing-nut, but all has been resolved. Last week was just a pain in my ass, this week being much better.

I got new glasses --> And I really like them..they feel and look relatively good..though that picture just is icky.  They are a lot smaller and more "feminine"..which is something I'm going to have to get used to. Femininity is not something that comes naturally to me...though I am getting more and more used to it as time goes on..that and I am forcing myself to be more feminine for college when I start in the Fall...I'd like to obtain a significant other at some point in my life...might as well start now.  Skirts, better fitting shirts..wait a sec...didn't I give this rant earlier? I might have...I never remember quite well..plus I am always thinking on this from time to time...it filters in through all the crap. If I had someone that I could spend some time with away from all this crap it would make things better.

 Actually if I could get away for a week to Park slope or nearby I would be one happy camper...I'd love to go to NYC and blow off some steam..wander around the parks and museums, look up a couple of people I've been wanting to meet etc...and bug the people I know *laughs*.  mmm...plus I could just be away from all this crud...or if I could go down to DC..hang out with John and all them other peoples at the Perk.  Mm..and the subways...either place...I need to ride for a long time..it would much improve my mood it would.

oh well..I should head out..M'going to go and see the Exorcist being performed down at the Roadhouse.should be interesting.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Feel Good Inc.- Gorillaz ( and other music on MTV2)

Vanity oh...vanity 

So..I don't have black hair anymore. It took 3.5 hours...but I don't have black hair anymore. It was a long but interesting process. I hate going to new salon like places...I never know what to say and honestly...I am quite shy on occassion. Especially times like that. However after the first hour it was easier. I was half tempted to leave it the stripped color because ( I thought it would be clear...nuuu) it was all colors. I went from a bright (very fake) blondish color into and through the reds then into and through browns till it hit the black at the ends. I was highly amused. Had I more courage I would have just walked out then. However she wanted to even out the color so now I am a medium brown. Michelle ( the gal who did my hair) loves doing corrective coloring...which is good because it took a damn long time @_@ and was slightly expensive. No..I'm not telling you how much but damn...I am never dying my hair black again. Of course I had to choose the black that is the absolute hardest to remove from hair ( Clariol Nice&Easy Blue Black/Black...NEVER DYE YOUR HAIR THIS COLOR unless you intend it to stay that way till you grow it out!). Next time I go she is going to do it a lighter shade and add highlights...then we go from there till I either stop her...or am blonde *shrugs* you neveer know what will happen.

Johnny Knoxville...Damn...who'd've guessed...

So while I am sitting there getting my hair bleached and what not I found an interesting brief interview with Johnny Knoxville. Mind you I've never seen an episode of Jackass, though I have seen clips (its all I can stomach), so I mean I know who he is...just not very well. I do know he is in the remake of "Dukes Of Hazzard" ( Nuu...why...I mean I could have dealt with the Wilson brothers in it..and minus Jessica Simpson(ew)..though I throughly approve of Willy Nelson as Uncle Jesse ^__^) and that is why he was in this magazine. Now remember..a hell of a lot of womens magazines are quite dirty ( depending on what you pick up). Anyways.. So I am reading through this thing about his wife and such and then it goes down to the question " So..we here you like orally pleasuring women...would you give up ( insert desireable item here) for it?" His response " Yes. Hell I'd give up air if I had to and learn to breathe nitrogen." Which left me terribly shocked ( first of all I mean come on...nitrogen? psh...silly boy) because I never expected him, of all people, to enjoy doing that to a girl. I mean really...not that I wouldn't mind that per-se..but the thing is that most guys are probably horribly turned off by it. While I do know that some girls are turned off by orally pleasuring guys ( mind you...I'm not one of those girls...no..don't ask...just consider it part of my oral fixation..and who said those psych classes wouldn't come in handy *laughs*) many do like it. I am just shocked that he said he'd give up stuff to continue doing it..his wife is a very lucky woman. Just goes to show you you can't judge a book by its cover...or its ridiculous and dangerous behavior.

The play-students and otherwise "Traaaaaaaaaadition"

Okay..sooo the play has been reschudled for tomorrow night and thursday night..so I have something to do in the evenings again *chuckles and grimaces at the same time*. The thing is that several of the actors can't be there and they do have important lines. *sighs* But we need to get some money into the boxoffice or else there is the possibility that we will not get paid. I will get paid! I will not let the Schultz stiff us because he is an ass and screwed this all up. Hopefully the school will have power at that time. Like Lenny said " It's the play that just won't die." I feel bad because Jake can't be in the show because his parents are forcing him into basketball camp. Jake's not too keen on that and he told his parents he didn't want to go 3 months ago when they asked him about it..but...they didn't listen. They don't like the fact that he is in theater. Jake is an amazingly talented actor and one of the funniest improv students I had in my classes. If you saw his acting final, you'd agree with me.  Hopefully they will warm to the idea and come and see him in some shows. Otherwise..I will..whatver he is in I will go and see it. Guess I have another kid. Yeesh..no pregnancies for Casey...I don't need them...I have enough kids without it *laughs*. I can't wait to get back to teaching...I miss the little buggers.

Dave Grohl- w00tage music

 Love him...loooooooooove him. Yes..yes I do..because not only is he very nice ( again..magazine article/interview but at least this one is long)...but he is amazingly talented. I mean the guy is in what...4 bands at the very least and does different things in each one. I swear almost every music video has Dave in it...though it should be a requirement...no matter the video..Dave Grohl should just make cameo appearances in all of them. I would kill to see that. I personally love him in Foo Fighters and am going to go out and buy their newest CD...how can you not love the song " Best of You"?? Its amazing, heart wrentching and musically goregous. I hear it comes with an acoustic disc...mmm...dave acoustic *pretends to wipe drool from mouth*. One thing you should know about me is that I prefer to listen to males singing rather than females. I like their voices better..deeper richer sounds...more relaxing *nods*.

Lonliness

Yes..it strikes again...as it always does when people go away. I keep my away message up at these times as well so I don't have to talk to some people. I mean sure..would I like to..sort of..but it is hard to act all so damn frickin' happy most of the time. I save that for real life..the people I have to face day to day. Bunneh has gone away again..with no notice. I just love when that happens...its not his fault..he has a life of his own but I really need someone right now...someone to comfort me in a way. But then again..I don't want that...I don't want to talk about what it going on right now...so I am better off being alone. I don't want to be..but sometimes it is the only recourse. The other problem being that I don't want to burden anyone...because so many of the people I talk to need me as much as..or more than I need them...and I can't let them down. I can't lean on them...when they expect me to be there for them to lean on. Do you see where I have the conundrum...*sighs deeply* doesn't really matter anyways..*wipes her face with the back of her hand* Like Joseph Conrad says "It occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility."

anyways..enjoy your wednesday.

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: The Killers: All these things I have done..

It occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.
      - Joseph Conrad

Let's see...I have several topics tonight..I will try to keep them consistant and let you know when I switch subjects. Some of these things I have been thinking about for a long time..others just kind of occured to me today. Bear with me...or else..stop reading now. No one ever forces you to read this silly thing..perhaps your curiousity just gets the best of you *cocks her head to one side and peers at you*.  I know not what you think..but hopefully you enjoy it a little..or are at least a bit interested in these things that come from my head, through my fingers and onto this site. *shrugs and straightens a little before sitting tailor fashion on the floor and clearing her throat*

Relationships: Interpersonal, Romantic, and otherwise...

Alrighty..let's see here. I have a hard time forming relationships with people. Shocking I know..but it's true. I think about all of the people I have met online and it seems so easy to fall into a friendship or pattern of behavior with them. Much easier than doing so with another person face to face. I like the slight mysteriousness that the internet brings. Now I don't know if the people are who they really say they are. Justin, Jesse, and Kat..definitly yes. Because I have not only talked to them through text but have sent them mail, talked to them on the phone, and seen them live via webcam. I know they are pretty much who they say they are. Matt...I trust wholeheartedly that he is who he says he is. He wouldn't lie to me..that much I know. And if for some reason he did...I have the feeling I'd know why he felt the need to. Others..well..I have no reason to doubt them so we won't worry about that.

However...despite the fact that I do have friends ( both here and other places) I am still missing ( and yes..still lamenting) that one relationship that I do not have. Yes..that's right...we're back to me semi-bitching about the lack of a romantic relationship. I guess the thing that bothers me is how sometimes...it doesn't bother me that I don't have that in my life. I mean I have bunneh...who is like close to a boyfriend but will never be. "WHY NOT!!??" cried someone the other day when I was talking about it. Well...several reasons..other than distance and me not knowing him as well as someone I would meet face to face...he has other relationships with other people. Yes I mean that probably in the way that you are thinking. He has others...I have just him...and he will never be truly mine. The odd thing is that that doesn't really bother me as much as people think it should. *shrugs and takes a sip of her Diet Cherry Pop, setting it back on the floor next to her left knee* I mean..would I like him to be...I'm not really sure anymore. When it first started...yes...I did. Now..no...I don't think I would. He needs to have a relationship with a girl that is closer to him geographically. Yes..does that mean that I might not have a relationship with him anymore...you bet your ass it does. *looks up at you* And I would be so happy for him because he'd have a girlfriend who could love him and take care of him...that's all I want for him. *smiles* Yeah..even if I wind up getting hurt or upset by it...I guess all that matters is whether or not he is okay.  I have a nasty habit of putting other's happiness above my own...something that someday I'll have to stop but personally..I think it's better for everyone if I stay this way. Is it okay with me? yeah..sure..why not. I mean I've gone on this long like this...a couple more decades can't hurt me.

Last night however is when I really missed/ desired having a romantic relationship..hell even a close friendship with a person of the opposite gender. I really could have used someone to hold onto while the heavens sounded like they were ripped open. We had a massive thunderstorm last night ( over 5k lightening strikes) and its sounded almost as if we were going to have a tornado. I really could have used someone to hang onto..to hold and hold me close so I wouldn't have felt so uneasy. Yes...I'm a big girl but damned if large storms don't get me nervous...so it would have been nice to snuggle up to a nice warm male chest and just be held and hold. Some kind of anchor...that's what I need...an anchor..someone who will always be there for me when I need them and vice versa. Someone who will wrap me in their arms, with love, and hold me tight when I am afraid, or sad or upset, or joyous. Someone who will go out to dinner with me, go to the movies, let me pay at least 1/3 of the times we go out, someone who enjoys the same things that I do, someone who has different opinions and ideas and hobbies from mine, someone who will love me...for me. Someone who won't mind if I am a little incomplete and broken at times. Someone who I can ruffle their hair when they are being odd, or funny or cute and who would do the same to me. Someone I could get into a whipped cream fight with ( spray cans..sounds fun ne?). I need some sort of relationship with physical contact that comes from emotion. I don't want to be hit or anything like that...those kinds of relationships are bad. I just need someone to cling to and who will cling to me...just not all the time..but...I don't know...sometimes it's good...I just need to be needed and want someone to show that too me.

*sneezes*..ugh...anyways..moving on *takes another sip of her pop and sets it back down where she had it before*

If you think sexy...then you are sexy.

If you don't have the body of a stick figure you have probably heard someone say this to you at some point. Or perhaps you have heard it on T.V. or somewhere else. I have heard it tons of time..."Sexy is just a state of mind..if you think sexy..then you are sexy!" I hate to break it to people..but no...that doesn't always work. I mean I wish it did...perhaps then I'd have the solution to the quasi-essay above this one *laughs*.  I've kind of tried it..but its hard because I mean..what do you do? I don't have oddles and oddles of self confidence and for some reason a mantra of " I'm Sexy..." doesn't seem to be possible and how do I keep myself from laughing aloud? I mean really I don't consider myself anywhere near sexy so going around thinking it..would probably make me titter a bit.  I would like to feel sexy...I would like to BE sexy. But I mean seriously folks *motions you closer and places her hand on the side of her mouth, and in a deep stage whisper* I'm not.  Big shocker huh? I was talking to a friend the other day who stated the " if you think sexy...then you'll be sexy"...and I laughed at him. That's right, I laughed. It sounds so easy doesn't it? Perhaps I will try it again..but I don't know if it would work. That's part of my problem right there *points* Too many buts...too many doubts. I mean if I could securely believe that in some way I was sexy..then it wouldn't be too hard. I've never been really desired by a male other than probably Matt Pederson ( ugh) and Bunneh..which I'm still not all that sure why..I mean I have a nice chest size..*shrugs*. Perhaps once I get back to school I will have something to look forward to...perhaps meeting someone nice in my lit class. *raises her eyebrows suggestivly before breaking into a quiet laugh* Ah..I kill me. 

Mum says I should remember some of the people we know like Nicole B. who is bigger than me and is married to Mike M. and they are quite happy. Mike is a cute, thin, nice guy. So...it is possible.  Whether or not it is probably for me is a whole other story.

Hnn..well...I forgot what else I was going to say..the other topics have fled for now...will try again tomorrow..perhaps I will have some new stuff to yammer on about. Enjoy  your tuesday.